I've always had the feeling of something is still undone. No, I don't think I'm depressed. I'm still searching for my destiny. Now and always, there's the calling for me to go somewhere or do something. I'm not sure what it is. But, I miss it.



I can't remember since when did I have such yearning. I've tried very hard to fulfil my goals, to achieve my so-called dreams and to do what I've always wanted to do. After achieving my so-called ambitions or dreams, I've developed an uncanny hollowness in me. I've tried to let go a lot of worldly things and to certain extent I've succeded in doing so. But, somehow, the emptiness creeps back.



Most of the times, I'm obliged to do a lot of things for the others and I'm tired of doing so. I'll hate myself for doing so. Maybe, I just haven't learned the tricks to say no. I really have to learn to be selfish. Maybe, by doing so I should feel happier.



But, am I unhappy? I really don't know. I'm very clear of what I have to to, my responsibilities and my work. How I wish I could take a break and just do whatever I fancy!



How I wish I could sit at the beach and watch the sun setting. Feeling the sea breeze and just doing nothing, not even thinking. Listen to the sea sighing, feeling the touches of the breeze, tasting the saltiness of the sea water, or just dive into the sea and being mesmerised by the tranquility of the under water world.



I don't think I have the luxury of doing so. The solidarity I've always longed for would never be realised now. My job deals with people! I have to deal with the worlds of the others. I can't leave them alone because I feel obligated to help. I don't hate them instead I love them. But, I don't want to be too involved and attached to them. Yes, I think I want detachment; but, my world is so attached to the others. It is a blindspot. I don't know what to do and I can't see any further. At times, I really wish I could help to solve all their problems. But, I know it's impossible and this helpless feeling always paralyses me.


Somebody sent me some thought provoking lines. They said, attachment brings disillusion; so, one way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to detach. Since he left, I've really learnt not to attach to anyone emotionally. And, I've fallen in love with the tranquility of solitude. I've learnt to let go and I've found peace.



However, reality forces me back. The people around me love me too much to let me go. I just can't break thier hearts and I comply. I'm unhappy, at times. Anyway, I won't show.



Another way for me to find solidarity is to continue my studies. I just like the single-mindedness when I start to drown myself in my world. Maybe, I really love to be alone.