Betrayal

I think the worst betrayal for a person to swallow is the emotional betrayal. Money, properties or other materials are recoverable, but not emotion.

I've heard many of such stories from friends around me lately and I was taken aback by the extent people can cheat on emotion and betray their loved ones. The intensity of sorrow and hurt was so great that I could feel it when listening to the victims narrating their stories.

As a third party, their miseries involve love and lust. I see it as the tug-of-wag of these two elements and the outcome is never predictable.

Due to lust, love and families are destroyed; but because of love, forgiveness prevails. I can't comment much on whicever outcome or action taken by the parties involved and I'm not sure of what to say at all.

I still remember when I was in primary 5, my Mandarin teacher taught something which was very philosophical to us, a group of ten-year olds. She said to make one's life meaningful was to be able to leave something worth for the remembrance of the others. I did not know why it nailed into my mind.

When I started to experience life, the teaching was always at the back of my mind. Though I've stopped using Mandarin for a long time, I still remember what she said once. However, to leave a mark in the journey is not as easy as I thought once, especially when I've been witnessing the passing away of people around me.

What is in life? Well, it's very subjective. Some may be happy with a typical and mundane family life, some may wish for some sparks or glamorous moments, some may just want to do what they like as if they are not connected with the others, some may just watch life passing away...

I think I wish to touch life. I don't think I'd mind if I'm forgotten. Anyway, I'm just a passer-by; besides, I don't really remember the people whom I've met. I'm lazy to remember the names but not their faces. I'll appreciate them as they've made up the rich tapestry of my life. Life is actually pieced up by the people we've met and emotions are the colours and shines added to it.

Thinking of the people in my life. I still remember them vividly. Tomorrow is the day my uncle left us a year ago. I remember him as the one who had to carry me when I was discharged from the hospital after my 'great fall'. The time when I lost my ability to walk, he was there to carry me. The last time I visited him in ICU I saw him being carried by the nurses. He looked old and aged. I've never seen him so frail and aged.

Suddenly, I have the urge to define or redefine my life. What have I done? How much have I done? How much more do I have to do?

It looks like I'm leading the way; but, is it really so? Or do I really mind whether I'm a saviour or only a passer-by in the journey ?

I thought I could forego the returns. I thought I could really let go of all the attachment. I thought I could laugh off all the hiccups and breeze through the stops without regrets. However, I think I'm wrong. I haven't seen any light on the other side!

I'm tired and without a focus. I want to ignore the others but myself. I want to break off from the locks and latches. I think the hermit nature of mine is emerging. But, the other side of me is still laboriously going steady with the routine, the job and the so-called responsibility! It is still wearing the hypocritical front without showing the slightest sign of slowing down!

The unseen tug-of-war has been going on and I've forgotten since when I've started to notice it. And, I know most of the time I try to ignore its existence. Well, the call for duty and the urge to chase after my dream split me! What is the best solution to this philosophical problem? Maybe, I'm too free and my mind starts wandering.

What is left when I leave the world? Memories. But, they are elusive. Nevertheless, life is beautiful although it's impermanent. Therefore, I always try to live the moment to the fullest. Every moment is full and I can pick up beautiful bits and pieces about things and people along my journey. Of course I'll never forget to remind myself to let go of what is over so that I can have more room for the countless beautiful moments to come in.

Life is pretty short but the moments that I've captured stay, at least in print. Although the journey is not smooth sailing, it can be tough at times, I can still find peace at temporary stops. Moreso, the break makes me appreciate peace even more as it doesn't come easily.

The ruin is the beautiful landmark left by time. Will I be part of it?

It's disillusioned. Now only I realised that I have high hopes and I'm too naive to try to change the environment. The sense of loss is disillusion.

There are some around me think that I'm a perfectionist. But, I know I'm not! I only believe that if I haven't tried I won't be satisfied.
I'll take every task no matter how insignificant it is seriously and complete within my means. I want to experience the process because I believe if I've put in my best in the process, the end will be well taken of. So, I don't really worry for the end. But, I realise that it is not the way others believe. They don't bother with the means but only the end. So, in order to get to the end, they will do all means even against the conscience.

That's why I feel I'm a misfit. I feel alienated in such environment. Consequently, a simple-minded person like me will invite attacks for no apparent faults. Hence, I'm disillusioned.

Nevertheless, I have faith in karma, even until now. That cheers me up a bit, really. Maybe one day, I should renounce the worldly ugly illusions and be on my way in search of peace and vision in my life. I don't like to talk about this to anyone because I know no one will understand, not even to those who are close to my heart.

Now, I'm feeling a bit better. I know I need to review my vision and remind myself of my bearing from time to time. I need to have strong faith to keep myself to go on.

I'm lost in my routine. I don't really know whether I'm happy or unhappy. Sound pathetic with a tinge of loss.

I realise I'm moving in a cycle and I can't find an outlet to break away from it. Nobody can really understand my feelings; or, maybe I don't wish to share with anyone at all.

I don't think anyone would understand the pent-up mood and feelings I'm experiencing. Can I call it frustration? Disappointment? I don't know, really.

This lousy sense of loss is eating me. I should be satisfied with my life as a lot of people around would assume. Am I too greedy? I don't know? I don't think this kind of life satisfied me at all. What do I really want? Sometimes when I'm drowned with work and I can avoid people, I'll feel better. Yes, at times, I'm trying to escape from the people around me.

What is love?

I'm taken aback on how open teenagers perceive relationship between opposite sex. The Asian society is supposed to be more reserved; but, the teenagers now plunge into relationships openly without reservation.




At times. I'm speechless whenver I catch them in the act of passion in public places, or even schools and colleges. I really don't hope to catch anyone kissing in my class one day.


The adults are helpelessly in dealing with this issue. To these teenagers, it's cool and normal. Some even start to sleep around and later brag about their rendezvous to their friends. The adults know about that; but, they just watch helplessly.

The boys and girls start their intimate relationship before they realise the consequences; and, the adults should try to stop them before it's too late. But, no one really tries to make these young people realise the consequences of their casual intimacy.



Besides, the teenagers are getting bolder. They write blogs and confess their feelings openly to the entire world, they date directly after class or school, they look into each other's eyes right in front of the teachers, they hug and caress in the public... The adults just sigh helpelessly.




What can the adults do? Watch helplessly, listen [atiently and try to understand their passion; but, do nothing.