Sunrise, sunset

Before I realise, the year is ending like sun setting. It's beautiful, striking and mesmerising. Though the end is near, I don't feel it's ending. There are still a lot of things undone.

Some will put a full-stop to everything by the end of the year , some will start to plan for the new year resolution, some will be like me - neither ending nor starting. Nevertheless, I like to have the feeling of ending as it gives me a sense of accomplishment, which I am yet to experience.

That's why I think sunset is always more captivating than sunrise. I've tried to capture sunrise countless times; but, it will never be as beautiful as the sunset I've encountered. I have fallen in love with sunset ever since I bought my first analog manual camera. Some may say that sunrise gives hopes; but, I'll say it's sunset.

It touches my soul.

Betrayal

I think the worst betrayal for a person to swallow is the emotional betrayal. Money, properties or other materials are recoverable, but not emotion.

I've heard many of such stories from friends around me lately and I was taken aback by the extent people can cheat on emotion and betray their loved ones. The intensity of sorrow and hurt was so great that I could feel it when listening to the victims narrating their stories.

As a third party, their miseries involve love and lust. I see it as the tug-of-wag of these two elements and the outcome is never predictable.

Due to lust, love and families are destroyed; but because of love, forgiveness prevails. I can't comment much on whicever outcome or action taken by the parties involved and I'm not sure of what to say at all.

I still remember when I was in primary 5, my Mandarin teacher taught something which was very philosophical to us, a group of ten-year olds. She said to make one's life meaningful was to be able to leave something worth for the remembrance of the others. I did not know why it nailed into my mind.

When I started to experience life, the teaching was always at the back of my mind. Though I've stopped using Mandarin for a long time, I still remember what she said once. However, to leave a mark in the journey is not as easy as I thought once, especially when I've been witnessing the passing away of people around me.

What is in life? Well, it's very subjective. Some may be happy with a typical and mundane family life, some may wish for some sparks or glamorous moments, some may just want to do what they like as if they are not connected with the others, some may just watch life passing away...

I think I wish to touch life. I don't think I'd mind if I'm forgotten. Anyway, I'm just a passer-by; besides, I don't really remember the people whom I've met. I'm lazy to remember the names but not their faces. I'll appreciate them as they've made up the rich tapestry of my life. Life is actually pieced up by the people we've met and emotions are the colours and shines added to it.

Thinking of the people in my life. I still remember them vividly. Tomorrow is the day my uncle left us a year ago. I remember him as the one who had to carry me when I was discharged from the hospital after my 'great fall'. The time when I lost my ability to walk, he was there to carry me. The last time I visited him in ICU I saw him being carried by the nurses. He looked old and aged. I've never seen him so frail and aged.

Suddenly, I have the urge to define or redefine my life. What have I done? How much have I done? How much more do I have to do?

It looks like I'm leading the way; but, is it really so? Or do I really mind whether I'm a saviour or only a passer-by in the journey ?

I thought I could forego the returns. I thought I could really let go of all the attachment. I thought I could laugh off all the hiccups and breeze through the stops without regrets. However, I think I'm wrong. I haven't seen any light on the other side!

I'm tired and without a focus. I want to ignore the others but myself. I want to break off from the locks and latches. I think the hermit nature of mine is emerging. But, the other side of me is still laboriously going steady with the routine, the job and the so-called responsibility! It is still wearing the hypocritical front without showing the slightest sign of slowing down!

The unseen tug-of-war has been going on and I've forgotten since when I've started to notice it. And, I know most of the time I try to ignore its existence. Well, the call for duty and the urge to chase after my dream split me! What is the best solution to this philosophical problem? Maybe, I'm too free and my mind starts wandering.

What is left when I leave the world? Memories. But, they are elusive. Nevertheless, life is beautiful although it's impermanent. Therefore, I always try to live the moment to the fullest. Every moment is full and I can pick up beautiful bits and pieces about things and people along my journey. Of course I'll never forget to remind myself to let go of what is over so that I can have more room for the countless beautiful moments to come in.

Life is pretty short but the moments that I've captured stay, at least in print. Although the journey is not smooth sailing, it can be tough at times, I can still find peace at temporary stops. Moreso, the break makes me appreciate peace even more as it doesn't come easily.

The ruin is the beautiful landmark left by time. Will I be part of it?

It's disillusioned. Now only I realised that I have high hopes and I'm too naive to try to change the environment. The sense of loss is disillusion.

There are some around me think that I'm a perfectionist. But, I know I'm not! I only believe that if I haven't tried I won't be satisfied.
I'll take every task no matter how insignificant it is seriously and complete within my means. I want to experience the process because I believe if I've put in my best in the process, the end will be well taken of. So, I don't really worry for the end. But, I realise that it is not the way others believe. They don't bother with the means but only the end. So, in order to get to the end, they will do all means even against the conscience.

That's why I feel I'm a misfit. I feel alienated in such environment. Consequently, a simple-minded person like me will invite attacks for no apparent faults. Hence, I'm disillusioned.

Nevertheless, I have faith in karma, even until now. That cheers me up a bit, really. Maybe one day, I should renounce the worldly ugly illusions and be on my way in search of peace and vision in my life. I don't like to talk about this to anyone because I know no one will understand, not even to those who are close to my heart.

Now, I'm feeling a bit better. I know I need to review my vision and remind myself of my bearing from time to time. I need to have strong faith to keep myself to go on.

I'm lost in my routine. I don't really know whether I'm happy or unhappy. Sound pathetic with a tinge of loss.

I realise I'm moving in a cycle and I can't find an outlet to break away from it. Nobody can really understand my feelings; or, maybe I don't wish to share with anyone at all.

I don't think anyone would understand the pent-up mood and feelings I'm experiencing. Can I call it frustration? Disappointment? I don't know, really.

This lousy sense of loss is eating me. I should be satisfied with my life as a lot of people around would assume. Am I too greedy? I don't know? I don't think this kind of life satisfied me at all. What do I really want? Sometimes when I'm drowned with work and I can avoid people, I'll feel better. Yes, at times, I'm trying to escape from the people around me.

What is love?

I'm taken aback on how open teenagers perceive relationship between opposite sex. The Asian society is supposed to be more reserved; but, the teenagers now plunge into relationships openly without reservation.




At times. I'm speechless whenver I catch them in the act of passion in public places, or even schools and colleges. I really don't hope to catch anyone kissing in my class one day.


The adults are helpelessly in dealing with this issue. To these teenagers, it's cool and normal. Some even start to sleep around and later brag about their rendezvous to their friends. The adults know about that; but, they just watch helplessly.

The boys and girls start their intimate relationship before they realise the consequences; and, the adults should try to stop them before it's too late. But, no one really tries to make these young people realise the consequences of their casual intimacy.



Besides, the teenagers are getting bolder. They write blogs and confess their feelings openly to the entire world, they date directly after class or school, they look into each other's eyes right in front of the teachers, they hug and caress in the public... The adults just sigh helpelessly.




What can the adults do? Watch helplessly, listen [atiently and try to understand their passion; but, do nothing.

Beautiful photographs have therapeutic effect on me. They can temporary take my mind off any nagging problems. I also love to imagine or feel the mood of the photographers as I think I can share the concentration when one is taking photographs. The mindful concentration is powerfully peaceful.

Only photos give me a world of tranquility and calmness as they can capture people and crowd minus the sounds. I don't really like noise and

sounds. So, only photos can give me the beauty of all activities without the sounds.

I loves sunset too. It gives out strong colours and rays and its melancholic beauty is really touching.

Is there hope awaiting? Or is it the ending of a beautiful day? At times, I'd like to think it is the end of a beautiful day. I love sunset as a beautiful journey has come to its end. A tinge of melancholy adds to its eccentric beauty. And, when all the activities subside, it will be quite again.

And, I can rest my tired mind and just drowned myself in peace.

Nostalgia

At times, I may forget how I looked. This is a picture taken by my colleague 2 years ago, I think. My friends are surprised by the rate I change my looks. Well, just to satisfy myself in the quest of searching for an identity, I think.

But, I think I get bored with routine easily and also bored with looking at the same old face in the mirror every day.

It's nostalgically sad to look through the old files and old pictures. It is difficult to describe the mixed-feelings. I suddenly remember many old faces; but, I have no idea where they are now. However, knowing myself, I won't take the trouble to look them up even though I miss them very much. There is one person whom I really miss but I have no idea how to locate him. There is a person whom I know is missing me; but, I won't bother to call.

I'm just plain lazy. Lazy to be commited. However, I'd very much welcome intellectual pursuit. Maybe it's the other hidden personality which I still don't know how to handle. Facing with the person I miss but I won't do or say anything. On the other hand, to find out some evidence to satisfy my query, I would travel hundreds of miles to hunt for it. That's me, at times, I can't understand me too. Sometimes, I'm spontaneous and that, I think, makes the others feel pressured.

All the tourist spots in the world will be full with such petty traders. Some are men, some women and some children. However, the craft works sold are too expensive for me as these traders would think that all tourists are rich and can afford, practically, to buy at any price.

Nonetheless, some times I would buy from them if I happened to find something interesting. But, most of the time I would capture them with my camera rather than being captured by them in buying their wares.

The sigh of Casanova. I wonder how did he feel when he peeped at the world from the tiny windows? Regret? Remorseful? To be kept away from the world or the world from him?

I've always dreamed to go around the world. So, I decided to start my globe trotting after completing my my second degree. I've taken a break from my studies to visit the world. I've this dream - to visit all the wonders of the world and capture the moments. I wish to capture all the moments in pictures.

The moments in the past, the moments in ruins and the moments in the heart. To read and see others' travelogues is different from my own moments around the world.

Therefore, whenever I hit the reef in life or being dragged into the vicious circle of stress, I'll seek solace from this little corner in my heart - the world.

The world makes me feel minute; hence, all my problems become microbe. My sigh would not be sadder than Casanova's, my ruin would not be worse than the Colosseum's, and my grief will be shorter than dew drops, I believe. The Trojan horse is a symbol minus the wars and hatred. So, the world is big enough to stomach all the ups and downs of it dwellers, inclusive mine, of course.

Cool and calm

I was speechless to hear that I rejected the promotion offer. At times men are feeling so insecured, especially in the workplace, and they can go all out to destroy the others. Men are vicious.

As I've been rather cool and aloof towards the promotions, so, he has sent many of his men to come to me hoping to fish some reactions and comments from me. Well, he has failed to do so. I can be calm and cool.

As a superior, he has not enough of e-q to manage his own feelings. Not only he can't conceal his feelings well, at times, he shows his feelings in a rather irrational manner.

Well, I'll keep my cool and he'll be burned down by his own jealousy.

Without fear or fury

Today, I really gave my superior a piece of my mind. A man was promoted to the post which I've been holding for the past 8 years. Before the promotional chances came into the picture, I was entrusted with the job until last year when there came the chance to be promoted, another person was nominated. I was dropped but was made to believe that they nominated me until yesterday. I was still carrying out the duty until yesterday; but, today it was announced that another person was promoted to the post I was holding. I was not even dismissed!
Well, I went directly and asked the superior calmly. I made myself clear to him that I was not mad or surprised over the outcome. Honestly, when the news of promotion came last year, I had this sixth sense that I would be dropped. But, I just wanted him to tell me frankly whether I was considered at that time, well, the answer was also honest enough - NO. However, besides that, he could not explain why.

I just feel disillusioned at times as I've been telling and educating the young that success must come with hardwork. Being honest to ourselves and fair to the others should be the signposts in our life journey. However, in the real world, these are all tall tales and fallacies! Of course, I told him this straight to his face. I also added that work smart and get short-cuts are the keys to success instead, especially in this institution.
I was happy when I got all these off my chest. Of course, I explained myself very politely, without fear or fury, and, oh, that made my sarcasm of the year.

Do I really enjoy the things I'm doing? Do I really have the passion for my work? At times, I'm lost. I think sometimes I've lost my bearing in the mid of fufilling duties or meeting dealines.

Maybe it's the phase where one will get fed up with simply everything; but, not to the extent of hating everything. I think I've come here.

I know I just can't explain to anyone or expect others to understand my feelings. Maybe, it's time I have to do something different.

I always have this kind of feeling that I've to do something different, something that will excite me, something not so predictable; but, I can't make out clearly what I should do to make myself excited. Maybe partly it's because of the people around me. They are so predictable and not intellectually exciting. I know I can't be this honest to any of them. So, lately, I've withdrawn into my shell. Besides my routine meetings, I'll refrain myself from having any interation with anyone at all. Nobody is intellectually stimulating, so, I might as well be alone. Luckily, I don't feel lonely.

Maybe it's the capriconian nature in me that refuses to be sociable. I can be one if I want to, I know myself very well. But, I just don't feel like it.

I like to retreat into my own quiet world. Maybe I should go snorkelling or diving to enjoy the tranquility of the underwater world which I've missed; but, have no opportunity to do so now.

My job was not my first love; but, after all the years dealing with it, I've fallen in love with it. Maybe I'm the lucky few who love their profession.

I don't mind handling difficult students or finding ways to make the teaching works. I'm still feeling excited if I can get workable ideas or methods to make my students work better. However, a colleague of mine has a rather low esteem of himself or his work. He is unhappy that teaching doesn't make the money a CEO can make.

But, is it that important? Well, again, I maybe the lucky few who have found many other things that are more beautiful than money. I'm also the lucky few who are thankful of what I've got and I hope that I can give more to the others. I want to make my life worth the journey I have travelled.

Lofty?

What takes to build a good relationship? Honesty? I was taught that honesty was the best policy. But, now, I'm doubtful of this belief.



It's sad to say that we have to hide behind the facade when dealing with people.



At times, I'm afraid to be honest and I don't know whom I should be honest with. So, I've decided to keep quiet. I'm tired of talking especially to people I don't feel at ease with. Unfortunately,my job requires me to talk a lot; so, after work, I'll switch off. I don't even feel like talking unneccessary to people around me. Lately, I feel talking is a task.

People may think that I'm standoffish; but, I don't mind. I just can't please everyone. I think I make myself happier by stop talking too much.

Have to boost my vanity for once. Rather excited as I've decided to resume the use of coloured contact lenses. I've tried to comply to the 'norms' at my workplace; but, I think it's too suffocating. There are those who think they are a head above the others and start to judge others using their own ridiculous yardstick.

I think I can really understand those who are under suppression by the community. As an educated person, one should have the awareness of not to stereotype. Well, some may say Obama did once recently; so, who are we not to do so?

Some suggested that I have to confront the bossy ones as I've collected some evidence against their actions. But, I don't think I will reason with those thick headed donkeys as I don't think my effort will be futile.

Lately, I think I've learned a lot by observing them. I may voice out my grouses to my closest friends just to vent my frustration. Other than that, I just keep mum of what I've observed as I cannot bring myself to talk to them. I've come to a conclusion that these people will never reach the other side, so it's pointless to reason with them. Besides, the more you try to drill sense into their heads, they may mete out more ridiculous measurements to satisfy their craving for power, I guess. And, peace will never come!

It's sad as people working at an education institution can be that blind against their own actions. So, some may wonder whether they are qualified to educate the young? But, I think they are successful in teaching them to stereotype and to be judgemental, that's for sure.

Looking at these faces, one will sure purge all the unhappy thoughts. Those naive and carefree faces lighten my days. To take care of them is sure not any easy job; but, their simple and naive nature is more soothing than the scheming adults.

These children maybe boisterous and tiring to take care of; but, if compared with the adults, I'd rather be with the children.

Remember talking to one of them as a total stranger, without hesitatiopn,the boy just gave me the biscuit he was about to eat because I just asked him for one. He was not trying to be polite; but, just because I asked and he was curious about me, a foreigner, and tried to be friendly. Very spontaneous without much consideration as he just liked me. Why can't we adult be like them?

To be with young children I can be myself. I like to talke to children wherever I go, and most of the time I don't speak their language. I like their simple affection, carefree and direct. I don't have to mask myself or to do things I hate or to laugh even though I feel like crying. On the second thoughts I think I hardly cry these days, I'm afraid I may have forgotten how to.

Maybe, to be happy is to bring out the child in us. Then, the world will be more peaceful and happy to live in.

Not very happy with things going around me these days. However, just feel helpless as I can't do anything about it.
So, to make myself happy is to forget about them temporary, even just take them off my mind for a few minutes, I'll feel relieved. Not to think about things that pull me down instead just think about things that make me smile. That's how I make my day. Rather pathetic, at times, but it's effective. Look at the pictures that I love, places that I've visited or I'll visit, and think about people whom I love, or bury myself into my research to avoid any unhappy thoughts. Well, that's how I pass my days.

Today is another disappointing day. Well, I just hope that today's defeat would serve as a good lesson for them. They may not feel good, that's for sure. But, I really hope that they can really seriously assess their performance and learn from their mistakes.
On the other hand, I maybe too optimistic to hope for changes. This is not the first defeat, instead it is the second one. But, they haven't learned anything from the first. That is disappointing.
Defeat is not failure; failure is never learn from past mistakes. I know they won't listen so I'm not going to nag at them anymore as I think I've said whatever I needed to.

I have told myself coultless times not to bother with them anymore. But, at the end, I still feel obliged.

Maybe, I'm too impatient with them or I've treated them as adults, which I think I shouldn't. Consequently, I'll only feel disappointed with their lackadaisical attitude. Or, mabybe this is so-called generation gap.

But, I counldn't recall any of such behaviours during my adolescent years. I remember I was very conscientious esppecially in my studies and school activities. I really treasured every moment and opportunity that came by even until my college and university years.

I've tried my very best to let them know the umph when one can achieve in whatever one does. But, that doesn't seem to be attractive to them. They lack the enthusiasm I've hoped for. Ironically, I am the one who feel enthusiastic in whatever I've set my mind on. At times, maybe I'm too single minded in doing things; so, at the end I'll feel frustrated and disappointed.

I'm really at my wits end to try to influence them. Maybe, I should give them up.

Since I've started writing, things that happened in yesteryears just keep cropping up. At times, things and people that I thought I've long forgotten now return.
The nostalgic memories sadden me, at times. How I wish I could go back and tell them how much I love them. I really miss them and I miss him in particular.
Maybe, if I had the power to go back to the past, I may want to rewrite the ending of my stories of yesteryears.

Life is just like the images we see on the surface of the lake. They look so real and beautiful; but, within seconds, they can vanish without traces.

People who have touched my life and have passed by but never stopped for long, are always kept in the bottom of my heart.

Each time I hear a death, I'll sramble and search through my memory for those I've kept dearly within me.

Yesterday I read a beautifully sad orbituary, and today I heard a death. The former is a stranger, and the latter's wife is my acquaintance. But, that is enough to disturb me. That is enough to push me to live my life to the fullest. That is enough for me to treasure my life more dearly.

Recently, I always feel the urgency to treasure every living moment. The brevity of life makes me more cautious and mindful of what I can give to the others.

I've tried bring such awareness to the people around me; but, sadly, they are oblivion to it. At times, I've grown impatient with them; on the other, I feel like giving them up. But, most of the time, I'm torn between to be or not to be.

Maybe, I should go away from all these for a while. I think I need some breathing space, just to forget what I'm doing now. No matter how much I would wish to help them, to change them, to help them to stirve on, I can do very little about everything. Maybe, I'm over-zealously involved myself in my work. and, that's suffocating.

A new place, a new face, always triggers a lot of imagination. It's life, and it's rich and unpredictable.

Behind each farcade, there's a story to tell. Its rich tapestry of emotion makes the world that is called Life.

It's been years toying with the idea. Maybe, it's high time for me to start now. To get the stories off my chest, it's euphoric. Just write, like all the advice I've got from others. Get the stuff off your chest, and create.

I actually shy away from creative writing, as I just don't know where to start from. Thanks to the people who gave me an opportunity to edit a set of short stories recently. And, from then, the dying spark in me came alive. I have to start writing. Just write.

Talked about people whom we once loved with a friend, surprisingly, I couldn't even remember his name. I wonder how is he now? Where is he? What knind of life he's having? And, I'm bewildered how could I forget his name???

I can vaguely remember the painful moments; but, ironically, I indeed have forgotten him.

So, I really can't make myself believe in everlasting love.

High hopes invite great disappointment. I've always told myself not to have high hopes if I don't want to be disappointed. However, I don't seem to learn from my past experience. At times, I really don't know whether I'm naive of just being forgetful.

I always believe hardwork and perseverance will bring fruitful ending; but, I think very few people are convinced. I just don't know how to make them see such simple theory. I just don't know how to take short-cuts or should I say I just don't want to take short-cuts. I stubbornly uphold my own principles, even though knowing very well by doing so will bring heartaches.

Well, I just can't make myself to go against my principles!?

Life can be beautifully short. Many people avoid this topic and I really can't find anyone sharing my sentiments on life.

The brief encounter with people around us entices my life; but, I haven't really thought of having permanent imprint on them in my life.

If I were to tell my friends that I've never thought having them as friends forever. I wonder how will they react? Anyway, nothing is forever. So, I really treasure every moment I'm having. I'd try my very best to live my every day to the fullest. I'm enthusiastic towords my work, sincere in treating people around me, at times too honest, I guess. I just feel tired to disguise my feelings.

The impermanence in life pushes me to be proactive. I don't like to wait as I don't like to waste my time in waiting. I'd rather make the first move and go for the things I want.

Sound aggressive, but I'm not. Instead, I've learned to let go, especially let go of ill feeling, let go of hatred, let go of self! If we were to throw away the waste within us, we'll feel lighter and happier.

I've realised that if I treat people around me as my new found friends, I'd learn to appreciate them more as we tend to take old acquaintance for granted. We expect our friends understand us, be sensitive towards us, be there for us... If they can't comply with all these requirements, they are 'bad' friends. On the other hand, can we be like that to our friends?

Another important step to take in facing life: take every day as a new day. As the zen Buddhism believes that now is the moment as yesterday is an illusion and tomorrow may never come. If w can take good care of the present, tomorrow will be the effect of today's actions. So, the most important moment is now or never.

Dressing and hairstyles reflect a person's morality? It's ridiculous! There are some who love to judge and stereotype the others using their own yardstick. Then, how should one dress to be morally right? One shouldn't wear too sexily, one shouldn't colour one's hair, one shouldn't wear coloured contact lenses etc. Those who lay such rules are those who daren't try anything but are envious of those who do so.



How do we define sexy? Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. Sexy is a mental state that only exists in one's mind. It's subjective and intangible. On the other hand, what's wrong of being sexy? The negative connotation that is being attached to this word is destructive to the youngsters' minds. It's the adults who pollute the minds of the young by being judgemental.



What is the essential element of a person's morality? The appearance or the actions?

At times there are too many moral police around to catch the 'offenders'; however, those moral police haven't realised their own actions are not so morally right. One examplary case: a woman who has got too intimate with a married man. She feels 'pampered' whenever the 'boy friend' is around to help her. She has been going out with this friend to the extent that those who don't know them would think that they were husband and wife. Well, she is appointed as a moral police to check the others' dressing. What an irony! Nobody dares to talk about her intimate 'friendship' with the man, or should it be that nobody is interested?



The world is full or ironies!

I've always had the feeling of something is still undone. No, I don't think I'm depressed. I'm still searching for my destiny. Now and always, there's the calling for me to go somewhere or do something. I'm not sure what it is. But, I miss it.



I can't remember since when did I have such yearning. I've tried very hard to fulfil my goals, to achieve my so-called dreams and to do what I've always wanted to do. After achieving my so-called ambitions or dreams, I've developed an uncanny hollowness in me. I've tried to let go a lot of worldly things and to certain extent I've succeded in doing so. But, somehow, the emptiness creeps back.



Most of the times, I'm obliged to do a lot of things for the others and I'm tired of doing so. I'll hate myself for doing so. Maybe, I just haven't learned the tricks to say no. I really have to learn to be selfish. Maybe, by doing so I should feel happier.



But, am I unhappy? I really don't know. I'm very clear of what I have to to, my responsibilities and my work. How I wish I could take a break and just do whatever I fancy!



How I wish I could sit at the beach and watch the sun setting. Feeling the sea breeze and just doing nothing, not even thinking. Listen to the sea sighing, feeling the touches of the breeze, tasting the saltiness of the sea water, or just dive into the sea and being mesmerised by the tranquility of the under water world.



I don't think I have the luxury of doing so. The solidarity I've always longed for would never be realised now. My job deals with people! I have to deal with the worlds of the others. I can't leave them alone because I feel obligated to help. I don't hate them instead I love them. But, I don't want to be too involved and attached to them. Yes, I think I want detachment; but, my world is so attached to the others. It is a blindspot. I don't know what to do and I can't see any further. At times, I really wish I could help to solve all their problems. But, I know it's impossible and this helpless feeling always paralyses me.


Somebody sent me some thought provoking lines. They said, attachment brings disillusion; so, one way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to detach. Since he left, I've really learnt not to attach to anyone emotionally. And, I've fallen in love with the tranquility of solitude. I've learnt to let go and I've found peace.



However, reality forces me back. The people around me love me too much to let me go. I just can't break thier hearts and I comply. I'm unhappy, at times. Anyway, I won't show.



Another way for me to find solidarity is to continue my studies. I just like the single-mindedness when I start to drown myself in my world. Maybe, I really love to be alone.

I feel very disappointed with an answer from my superior. He said, "If the boy is poor, then he has to wait for his turn." Very rational and cold. I was rather taken aback by such cold response from a person who deals with children. I wonder whether he has taken time to really know the children under his wing? Does he know the children by their names? Does he know their backgrounds? Or does he only fit them into the tapestry of one of my students? He looked slightly bemused when I tried to tell him the boy's problem. His look told me to mind my own business.

Some said, as a matter of fact, that it was the parents' faults. The parents should carry out their responsibilities to provide care and atttention for their child. So, nobody can do anything to help him. Case closed.

Knowledge has not enriched us. Everyone seems to be so distant and cold. The smarter and more knowledgeable ones seem to have more reasons to rationalise, to explain and to judge. Nobody is willing to stop or listen or spare some time for those around us. And, that makes us poorer within. The world within is a ruin, and ancient ruin!

I looked into the eyes of the boy and he avoided me. No, he was not shy to look at me; but, he was uncomfortable to show his helplessness. He did not know how to deal with his problem and he had nowhere to ask help from. He was not sure whether I could be genuine.

I have realised that we rarely look into the others' eyes when we talk. We just talk, just lash out whatever we want to. And, we have forgotten how to look into one another's eyes when we talk.

The exterior world looks sophisticated and advanced; but, the world within is shattered and in ruins.

A story- part 1

Who will really bother about me? It's a bit cold this morning and the crowd comes in occasionally. Well, I think I'll have to go home empty handed. The tobacco warms me up a little bit. Suddendly, someone comes up and asks me for the necklace I'm holding. Yeah, I've forgotten; immediately, I say," It's 5 lira, Miss. Cheap, cheaper than water." I put up my charming grin. The tourist flips through the bundle I'm holding and searching for her choice. Within minutes, a group of 5 or 6 of her friends come up and they join in the search. I hear myself repeating," 5 lira, only 5 lira, cheap, cheap..."

Gosh, I think I see Josh from afar, I have to rush and please, please buy all my wares! "Ok, boss, if I take 10, would they be cheaper?" One of them asked. "Oh, ok. 10 for 45 lira. Ok?"

Oh, please, I think Josh sees me and he's waiting at the corner of the stairs. I have to run, I can't stand here waiting for his fist. Finally, my rescue, " Ok, we take all if you give us 10 for 30 lire." " I..er..I.. ok 35, deal. It's really cheap. It's cold and I want to go home early, please." I put up my pathetic plea. " Well, deal. Count for us and we want all." What a relief! I quickly count all the necklace and put them into the bag. They are my angles for the day.

I have to slip away fast. I run down the alley and hold my breath. The wind bites my face, the needle like pain jerks my nerves. I need to get home fast. I think Josh hasn't found out my latest hideout. I dash up the shabby flight of steps and finally get behind the old store room. I know I'm lucky enough to find a place to stay. And, with today's windfall, I have a few weeks of peace.

To be able to see afar, must we learn to fly high? Standing at the top of the ruined castle, getting ready to fly but it's a bit difficult to brace the cold wind. The world seems to be unperturbed with my struggling within. To fly or not to fly, nobody seems to be interested in such a mundane quest. However, it's a decision that can determin my destiny. Will my friends share my load of struggle? Will they understand my dilemma? Or are they facing the same block?

In our life journey, we have countless encounter of such points whereby nobody can see the future. Ironically, the more uncertain the future is, the urge within is to anchor onto an answer. The wind might be cold, the decision is hard to make; but, life continues. The journey must be travelled though the destiny is still bizarrely blur. The calling is distant but it is there.

Shy and timid.

Full of concentration.

Young and vibrant.

Curious and inquisitive.

Children of all ages from all places speak one language. The beauty of this language is direct and implusive. No words are needed to communicate as the real communication comes from the bottom of the heart.

We have long forgotten once we were like them using the language of no boundary to express our likes and dislikes, our whims and fancies, our happiness and woes... Was it a spell cast on us? As we age, we lose the ability to communicate in this language - the language of innocence.

The avalanche of the economic crisis worries many of my friends. The uncertainties awaiting wipe the festive mood off their faces. Well, don't we realise that we are actually living in uncertainties? Noboody can really predict the future. Live the present to the fullest and tomorrow will take care of itself.

To sustain life, we don't really need a lot of money. Most of the time we worry about our bank account, the investment and the credit card payments. We haven't really checked the present, which I think is a lot easier to maintain than most of us have thpught.



To lead a simple life is the key to tackle whatever economic crisis that come along.

Surprised to receive messages and greetings from someone I've least expected. I don't know how to react. I don't want to hurt him. Phew! At times, I'm a total failure in handling relationship. I've always attracted the wrong persons.

CNY

Again, it's new year season. Friends called and greetings excahnged, but sadly it seems to be once a year affair. Are we that busy and really must do it as part of the new year routine?
Have you ever thought of me for the past 12 months? And, have I been thinking of you?
What have I been doing? I've been so lost and buried myself in work and I've pushed everyone behind my mind until this time.
I always tell myself that I've been thinking of you; but, I just can't find time to say hello. Maybe I've grown too confortable with my present lifestyle and just too lazy to drag more people into my life. And, I know I used to hate these people and I called them egoistic potato heads. And, I'm one now.
It's nostalgic to listen to songs and music once I loved ( I just can't remember since when I've forgotten them) in the middle of the night. And, it's this season that I've found time to do such thing, listening to oldies.