I still remember when I was in primary 5, my Mandarin teacher taught something which was very philosophical to us, a group of ten-year olds. She said to make one's life meaningful was to be able to leave something worth for the remembrance of the others. I did not know why it nailed into my mind.

When I started to experience life, the teaching was always at the back of my mind. Though I've stopped using Mandarin for a long time, I still remember what she said once. However, to leave a mark in the journey is not as easy as I thought once, especially when I've been witnessing the passing away of people around me.

What is in life? Well, it's very subjective. Some may be happy with a typical and mundane family life, some may wish for some sparks or glamorous moments, some may just want to do what they like as if they are not connected with the others, some may just watch life passing away...

I think I wish to touch life. I don't think I'd mind if I'm forgotten. Anyway, I'm just a passer-by; besides, I don't really remember the people whom I've met. I'm lazy to remember the names but not their faces. I'll appreciate them as they've made up the rich tapestry of my life. Life is actually pieced up by the people we've met and emotions are the colours and shines added to it.

Thinking of the people in my life. I still remember them vividly. Tomorrow is the day my uncle left us a year ago. I remember him as the one who had to carry me when I was discharged from the hospital after my 'great fall'. The time when I lost my ability to walk, he was there to carry me. The last time I visited him in ICU I saw him being carried by the nurses. He looked old and aged. I've never seen him so frail and aged.

Suddenly, I have the urge to define or redefine my life. What have I done? How much have I done? How much more do I have to do?

It looks like I'm leading the way; but, is it really so? Or do I really mind whether I'm a saviour or only a passer-by in the journey ?

I thought I could forego the returns. I thought I could really let go of all the attachment. I thought I could laugh off all the hiccups and breeze through the stops without regrets. However, I think I'm wrong. I haven't seen any light on the other side!

I'm tired and without a focus. I want to ignore the others but myself. I want to break off from the locks and latches. I think the hermit nature of mine is emerging. But, the other side of me is still laboriously going steady with the routine, the job and the so-called responsibility! It is still wearing the hypocritical front without showing the slightest sign of slowing down!

The unseen tug-of-war has been going on and I've forgotten since when I've started to notice it. And, I know most of the time I try to ignore its existence. Well, the call for duty and the urge to chase after my dream split me! What is the best solution to this philosophical problem? Maybe, I'm too free and my mind starts wandering.

What is left when I leave the world? Memories. But, they are elusive. Nevertheless, life is beautiful although it's impermanent. Therefore, I always try to live the moment to the fullest. Every moment is full and I can pick up beautiful bits and pieces about things and people along my journey. Of course I'll never forget to remind myself to let go of what is over so that I can have more room for the countless beautiful moments to come in.

Life is pretty short but the moments that I've captured stay, at least in print. Although the journey is not smooth sailing, it can be tough at times, I can still find peace at temporary stops. Moreso, the break makes me appreciate peace even more as it doesn't come easily.

The ruin is the beautiful landmark left by time. Will I be part of it?