Dressing and hairstyles reflect a person's morality? It's ridiculous! There are some who love to judge and stereotype the others using their own yardstick. Then, how should one dress to be morally right? One shouldn't wear too sexily, one shouldn't colour one's hair, one shouldn't wear coloured contact lenses etc. Those who lay such rules are those who daren't try anything but are envious of those who do so.



How do we define sexy? Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. Sexy is a mental state that only exists in one's mind. It's subjective and intangible. On the other hand, what's wrong of being sexy? The negative connotation that is being attached to this word is destructive to the youngsters' minds. It's the adults who pollute the minds of the young by being judgemental.



What is the essential element of a person's morality? The appearance or the actions?

At times there are too many moral police around to catch the 'offenders'; however, those moral police haven't realised their own actions are not so morally right. One examplary case: a woman who has got too intimate with a married man. She feels 'pampered' whenever the 'boy friend' is around to help her. She has been going out with this friend to the extent that those who don't know them would think that they were husband and wife. Well, she is appointed as a moral police to check the others' dressing. What an irony! Nobody dares to talk about her intimate 'friendship' with the man, or should it be that nobody is interested?



The world is full or ironies!

I've always had the feeling of something is still undone. No, I don't think I'm depressed. I'm still searching for my destiny. Now and always, there's the calling for me to go somewhere or do something. I'm not sure what it is. But, I miss it.



I can't remember since when did I have such yearning. I've tried very hard to fulfil my goals, to achieve my so-called dreams and to do what I've always wanted to do. After achieving my so-called ambitions or dreams, I've developed an uncanny hollowness in me. I've tried to let go a lot of worldly things and to certain extent I've succeded in doing so. But, somehow, the emptiness creeps back.



Most of the times, I'm obliged to do a lot of things for the others and I'm tired of doing so. I'll hate myself for doing so. Maybe, I just haven't learned the tricks to say no. I really have to learn to be selfish. Maybe, by doing so I should feel happier.



But, am I unhappy? I really don't know. I'm very clear of what I have to to, my responsibilities and my work. How I wish I could take a break and just do whatever I fancy!



How I wish I could sit at the beach and watch the sun setting. Feeling the sea breeze and just doing nothing, not even thinking. Listen to the sea sighing, feeling the touches of the breeze, tasting the saltiness of the sea water, or just dive into the sea and being mesmerised by the tranquility of the under water world.



I don't think I have the luxury of doing so. The solidarity I've always longed for would never be realised now. My job deals with people! I have to deal with the worlds of the others. I can't leave them alone because I feel obligated to help. I don't hate them instead I love them. But, I don't want to be too involved and attached to them. Yes, I think I want detachment; but, my world is so attached to the others. It is a blindspot. I don't know what to do and I can't see any further. At times, I really wish I could help to solve all their problems. But, I know it's impossible and this helpless feeling always paralyses me.


Somebody sent me some thought provoking lines. They said, attachment brings disillusion; so, one way to protect yourself from getting hurt is to detach. Since he left, I've really learnt not to attach to anyone emotionally. And, I've fallen in love with the tranquility of solitude. I've learnt to let go and I've found peace.



However, reality forces me back. The people around me love me too much to let me go. I just can't break thier hearts and I comply. I'm unhappy, at times. Anyway, I won't show.



Another way for me to find solidarity is to continue my studies. I just like the single-mindedness when I start to drown myself in my world. Maybe, I really love to be alone.

I feel very disappointed with an answer from my superior. He said, "If the boy is poor, then he has to wait for his turn." Very rational and cold. I was rather taken aback by such cold response from a person who deals with children. I wonder whether he has taken time to really know the children under his wing? Does he know the children by their names? Does he know their backgrounds? Or does he only fit them into the tapestry of one of my students? He looked slightly bemused when I tried to tell him the boy's problem. His look told me to mind my own business.

Some said, as a matter of fact, that it was the parents' faults. The parents should carry out their responsibilities to provide care and atttention for their child. So, nobody can do anything to help him. Case closed.

Knowledge has not enriched us. Everyone seems to be so distant and cold. The smarter and more knowledgeable ones seem to have more reasons to rationalise, to explain and to judge. Nobody is willing to stop or listen or spare some time for those around us. And, that makes us poorer within. The world within is a ruin, and ancient ruin!

I looked into the eyes of the boy and he avoided me. No, he was not shy to look at me; but, he was uncomfortable to show his helplessness. He did not know how to deal with his problem and he had nowhere to ask help from. He was not sure whether I could be genuine.

I have realised that we rarely look into the others' eyes when we talk. We just talk, just lash out whatever we want to. And, we have forgotten how to look into one another's eyes when we talk.

The exterior world looks sophisticated and advanced; but, the world within is shattered and in ruins.

A story- part 1

Who will really bother about me? It's a bit cold this morning and the crowd comes in occasionally. Well, I think I'll have to go home empty handed. The tobacco warms me up a little bit. Suddendly, someone comes up and asks me for the necklace I'm holding. Yeah, I've forgotten; immediately, I say," It's 5 lira, Miss. Cheap, cheaper than water." I put up my charming grin. The tourist flips through the bundle I'm holding and searching for her choice. Within minutes, a group of 5 or 6 of her friends come up and they join in the search. I hear myself repeating," 5 lira, only 5 lira, cheap, cheap..."

Gosh, I think I see Josh from afar, I have to rush and please, please buy all my wares! "Ok, boss, if I take 10, would they be cheaper?" One of them asked. "Oh, ok. 10 for 45 lira. Ok?"

Oh, please, I think Josh sees me and he's waiting at the corner of the stairs. I have to run, I can't stand here waiting for his fist. Finally, my rescue, " Ok, we take all if you give us 10 for 30 lire." " I..er..I.. ok 35, deal. It's really cheap. It's cold and I want to go home early, please." I put up my pathetic plea. " Well, deal. Count for us and we want all." What a relief! I quickly count all the necklace and put them into the bag. They are my angles for the day.

I have to slip away fast. I run down the alley and hold my breath. The wind bites my face, the needle like pain jerks my nerves. I need to get home fast. I think Josh hasn't found out my latest hideout. I dash up the shabby flight of steps and finally get behind the old store room. I know I'm lucky enough to find a place to stay. And, with today's windfall, I have a few weeks of peace.